Knowing and telling, a process
by JanineD
Summary: JavaJunkie one-parter. What Lorelai still has to say.


Disclaimer: Poor as a slob, would never dare to claim any of these beautiful characters. I won't go on, since rarely anyone reads the disclaimer!!!

**Knowing and telling, a process**

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How long she knew? Lorelai wasn't sure. It had been a long time coming and possibly it had been there for a while already. Days, weeks, months, years? Lorelai couldn't tell. All she knew was that it had been there and she hadn't noticed it. She hadn't acknowledged it, maybe even betrayed herself, afraid of admitting that it was actually there. Maybe she hadn't allowed it to be there. Maybe she had done about everything these past years to not let it happen, but it had. Happened that is. Slowly it had made its way straight into her heart and mind. It had been coming up with different tactics to fool her and finally Lorelai had lost the war. She had won battles of course, sometimes she had succeeded in pushing it further back, further away from her, but it had always come back. No matter what she did, not matter what he did, no matter what happened in her life and who entered it, it had never given up, it had always fought back. It was a fight Lorelai never could have won. Her fighting back had probably made it longer. Had she been willing to be true to herself and not afraid to let it happen, it might have happened years ago. Everyone around her had seen it, everyone around her had waited for her to see it as well. People had shaken their head in disbelief at her illusions. Would she ever let happen what was supposed to happen for her own good? Would she ever realize what was good for her, what was the essential part to her happiness?

Well at last she realized. Luckily he had waited. Luckily he had held on. Luckily, she had finally come to her senses. Luckily she had let it in, had given up to force everything away.

So when had she let go and had stopped trying to control her heart? She didn't know. It had been a process. Step by step it had managed to claim her heart and soul. And finally she knew too, which was also a process. It seemed all good things took Lorelai time, everything good in her life needed process, no irrational decisions, no hasty moves.

When had the process been over? When had it happened? What had been the final victory? Lorelai tried to make that out.

Was it when he'd shown her the horoscope? Was it that small piece of paper that had made a difference? Had he won her over right then? Or was it rather their first kiss, their fairy tale kiss that had made her heart go a pace it had never gone before? Or their almost-kiss that was sadly interrupted by the parade? Their first love-making?

On the other hand? Had it really been such a big trigger? Maybe it had been something simpler, something small that had made it happen? Maybe when he asked of her what music to get? Maybe when he repaired her oven hitting his head, complaining when she made fun of it? Maybe when they had danced or when he had given her coffee a random morning? When they had broken the bells together, when she was so upset that he had moved without telling her? Had she realized then?

Lorelai didn't know.

Maybe when she had met Christopher. After all, for the first time, Lorelai had been conscious about what it meant that she was meeting Christopher.

It was all a big mystery. What was important though was that she knew. She finally knew. And she accepted it. He was part of her life now. Not that he hadn't played a role in her life before, but now he wasn't just the supporting act, he played a major part. He was the Rhett to her Scarlett, the Darcy to her Lizzie, the Romeo to her Juliet, the David to her Elton- ew, no that just sounded wrong. The two of them were the main characters around who the plot evolved. It was all about them. He belonged to her and she belonged to him. It had been years, but now it was all crystal clear. He had always been there, during the good and the bad. He had never given up on her or on them. He had held on. He would never leave, he was there to stay. Him she could depend on. He was her safe haven, her guardian angel, on him she could lean, him she could trust. He was her home, as cheesy as it sounded. They belonged together and she would never dare to fight that.

Why he didn't blame her she didn't know. After all, she had been the one who had been the road block. She had always pulled the emergency brake, had always managed to put something in the way. His angelic patience. She was lucky he had that. He would wait she knew. He would wait for her, never try to push. He'd give her the time she needed. He never expected her to go faster than she was comfortable with.

Admitting emotion was hard for Lorelai. Admitting emotion meant making yourself vulnerable and for Lorelai, the fighter she was, that was about the hardest thing to do. Sure, she trusted him, she knew he wouldn't hurt her, but still. It was a habit, something she'd never do easily. Had she ever said it or admitted it? She wasn't sure. Of course, she had let it shine through, but had she ever laid her heart open for the world to look at?

No, she had always kept it closed, maybe opened the door a little so people could have a peek, but she had never flashed the whole thing. She had never let down her guards. She had never wanted to.

But that had changed. He had changed that. For him, she wanted to. She wanted to let him see, she wanted to give him her all, her sanctuary, she wanted to give him herself entirely.

Was she ready to do that though? Maybe not yet. Soon, but not yet. She'd tell him eventually, sure. Of course she'd tell him, no way about that. Of course she'd say it sometime, sometime soon. It would be the right moment, the perfect moment, when she was finally totally content with it. Now that she knew, telling wasn't as hard, but she still wasn't completely ready. He deserved to know and nothing could make her happier than finally telling him. That was the last step, she'd have to take. The last step until things were perfect. The last step towards the top of the mountain, from whereon they could slowly walk towards the sunset, take the easier way down towards home. Their last hurdle. Everything from then on would be easy. No obstacles, no road blocks, no more fights. She'd just have to tell him.

Lorelai was preparing herself. Just wait for the moment. It would come along. Nothing could mess that up now, no Christopher, no Emily, no Richard, no Max, no Jess, no Nicole, no life and most importantly no Lorelai. She knew and she was ready, ready to tell him. She would not hide it from him any longer. He deserved it, oh how much he deserved it.

It was time. Love had conquered Lorelai and she would admit it. Finally.

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A.N.: Okay, so I had this idea stuck in my head the last couple of days and I was finally able to put it down. I hope it wasn't to cheesy, full of unnecessary emotion and stuff. I don't know it just seemed to fight into the show right now. I sure hope Amy sees that the same way!!! She'd better! Well, whether you liked this or not, please leave a review (especially if you want to leave a good one of course J- my life's boring, that's what pulls me up and lets me know that I am not a total wreck!). Thanks, Janine 


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